My OCS Experience (Part 2)

In this post, I’ll focus on my takeaways during my time at OCS. As I mentioned in the last post, those 4-5 weeks I spent in Quantico were among the toughest physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve already touched on the physical aspect of it, but more than the physical was the mental and spiritual. It’s true when they say that OCS is really just a game. The sergeant instructors’ job is to break you down and then build you up. But they are REALLY good at breaking a person down. No matter how many YouTube videos you watch of them yelling at candidates, nothing can prepare you for when they’re directing it at you. Now, for the most part I didn’t have a problem when they’d get on my case because if you can remove yourself from the situation and remember that it’s not personal, it’s actually kind of funny. And there were more than a few times I had to hold in my laughter for fear of being targeted. At the same time, there were moments I failed to do that and internalized what they said.

 

Now to be honest, the toughest part for me was when I was put on light duty for that last week. Mentally, I started to question why I was there. Was I not tough enough? Did I not do enough before coming? Am I really cut out to be a Marine Officer? And so on and so forth. The sergeant instructors didn’t help either because they love to target candidates on light duty. They’d call us “weak bodies” and lazy and unfit to lead Marines. It was these moments where I’ll admit they broke me a little. 

Spiritually, I was especially challenged. Prior to OCS, I was pretty consistent in studying the Word each morning and spending time in prayer with the Lord. They don’t give you time for that at OCS so I was challenged to find that time to pray even if it was just for a minute. They did provide chapel services twice a week where we could escape the chaos and stress for an hour and hear the chaplain preach. I truly did relish these times because prior to a chapel service, I was usually so discouraged and frustrated from some failure or my sickness that to hear the Word preached was refreshment to my soul. Truly the Word of the Lord is more precious than gold and sweeter than honey (Psalm 19: 8-10). Don’t make me out to be some perfect Christian who kept the faith even in the toughest of times. Truthfully, and this is hard to admit, I was more faithless than faithful during that last week. Each day I questioned the Lord. Why did I get sick? Why did I get hurt? These were the exact things we prayed would NOT happen. Why then Lord are you allowing them to happen? Why am I not getting better? Why did you even send me here? It truly was one of the darkest times for me spiritually. There was bitterness and frustration; there was doubt that the Lord would provide and carry me through. And truthfully, it has not been easy since coming home. There are moments where I still question the Lord’s plan and providence as I feel like I should still be at OCS. I still imagine myself wearing the service Alphas on graduation day. But what I’m reminded of over and over again is that the Lord God is sovereign. There is nothing that escapes his ordination; there is nothing that catches Him by surprise for He is the one who ordains everything.

“Remember this and stand firm,
    recall it to mind, you transgressors,
⁹     remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me,
¹⁰ declaring the end from the beginning
    and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,

Isaiah 46: 8-10

This is why there is such peace as a Christian knowing that God has been and always will be in control. God’s plan is far better than anything that I could ever come up with. It is with confidence that I can rest assured God is working in and through this trial for my good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^[h] for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3: 20-21

By the way, that also includes evil things we experience for He is even sovereign over the evil that humans commit.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people^[b] should be kept alive, as they are today.

Genesis 50:20

This is why even though I may not fully understand why God sent me to OCS (and truly I may never fully understand), I can know that He did so for His glory in some way. However, I do feel like there’s at least one reason He sent me there. To remind me of my utter dependence on Him and to trust Him even when it looks like all is going wrong. Because our faith is set on Christ, our Rock, we have this unshakable hope that He has a plan that cannot be thwarted; that He will carry us through any storm, any trial.

²⁴ “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. ²⁶ And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. ²⁷ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Matthew 7: 24-27

And God has truly provided since I’ve returned. I already have an internship opportunity at a law firm working with one of our friends from church. As much as I want to be a judge advocate God may have a different plan for me and I am more than OK with that. That’s what keeps me going each day. As the author and perfecter of this faith that He’s given me (Hebrews 12:2), I can rest assured each day in His plan and declare with Christ, “not my will, but Your will be done.” (Luke 22:42)

God bless.

PS: Since they offered me the chance to go back to OCS, I ought to address that. At this point, it’s unlikely I will go back, and it’s not because OCS sucked so much and I hated it. I’m confident that I have the capability to make it through those 10 weeks, and if it’s the Lord’s will then it would happen. But practically speaking, it’s hard for me to commit another summer to them. For those who don’t know, summers for law students are precious. It’s during this time that we are able to network and gain experience which will hopefully lead to future employment after graduation and passing the bar. I knew going to OCS would likely take that opportunity but obviously if you make it through then you have a job guaranteed. The difficulty I find is that I could go back next summer and the same thing could happen or I could get hurt in another way. Again, I recognize the Lord is sovereign and if it was His will for me to be a JA then He would carry me through. But I’m trying to be aware of how that will affect Chelsey and our future family. I feel like I should focus more on gaining legal experience so that at least I can be prepared for after graduation. Also, this experience this summer really was an eye-opener as to what life will be like at times in the military. It was hard enough for me going through that training and missing Chelsey like crazy, but I would bet that it was even harder for Chelsey. And I’m not sure I want to put her through that every couple of years, or our future children for that matter. I want to be present and nurture my family. And I feel like the military can take that away. Please do not get me wrong. I have so much respect for those who serve and sacrifice in order to serve. I’m just not sure that’s something God is calling me to do. Ultimately, I have to make the choice that I think is best for me and my family, and we will continue to ask God for guidance. This does not mean JAG is completely out of the picture as I could still go to OCS even years after graduation if I want to, and of course there’s still the other branches. It just means right now, I’m open to other options and am looking to the Lord for direction. And with that said, I appreciate all the prayers you can offer!