My OCS Experience (Part 2)

In this post, I’ll focus on my takeaways during my time at OCS. As I mentioned in the last post, those 4-5 weeks I spent in Quantico were among the toughest physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve already touched on the physical aspect of it, but more than the physical was the mental and spiritual. It’s true when they say that OCS is really just a game. The sergeant instructors’ job is to break you down and then build you up. But they are REALLY good at breaking a person down. No matter how many YouTube videos you watch of them yelling at candidates, nothing can prepare you for when they’re directing it at you. Now, for the most part I didn’t have a problem when they’d get on my case because if you can remove yourself from the situation and remember that it’s not personal, it’s actually kind of funny. And there were more than a few times I had to hold in my laughter for fear of being targeted. At the same time, there were moments I failed to do that and internalized what they said.

 

Now to be honest, the toughest part for me was when I was put on light duty for that last week. Mentally, I started to question why I was there. Was I not tough enough? Did I not do enough before coming? Am I really cut out to be a Marine Officer? And so on and so forth. The sergeant instructors didn’t help either because they love to target candidates on light duty. They’d call us “weak bodies” and lazy and unfit to lead Marines. It was these moments where I’ll admit they broke me a little. 

Spiritually, I was especially challenged. Prior to OCS, I was pretty consistent in studying the Word each morning and spending time in prayer with the Lord. They don’t give you time for that at OCS so I was challenged to find that time to pray even if it was just for a minute. They did provide chapel services twice a week where we could escape the chaos and stress for an hour and hear the chaplain preach. I truly did relish these times because prior to a chapel service, I was usually so discouraged and frustrated from some failure or my sickness that to hear the Word preached was refreshment to my soul. Truly the Word of the Lord is more precious than gold and sweeter than honey (Psalm 19: 8-10). Don’t make me out to be some perfect Christian who kept the faith even in the toughest of times. Truthfully, and this is hard to admit, I was more faithless than faithful during that last week. Each day I questioned the Lord. Why did I get sick? Why did I get hurt? These were the exact things we prayed would NOT happen. Why then Lord are you allowing them to happen? Why am I not getting better? Why did you even send me here? It truly was one of the darkest times for me spiritually. There was bitterness and frustration; there was doubt that the Lord would provide and carry me through. And truthfully, it has not been easy since coming home. There are moments where I still question the Lord’s plan and providence as I feel like I should still be at OCS. I still imagine myself wearing the service Alphas on graduation day. But what I’m reminded of over and over again is that the Lord God is sovereign. There is nothing that escapes his ordination; there is nothing that catches Him by surprise for He is the one who ordains everything.

“Remember this and stand firm,
    recall it to mind, you transgressors,
⁹     remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me,
¹⁰ declaring the end from the beginning
    and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,

Isaiah 46: 8-10

This is why there is such peace as a Christian knowing that God has been and always will be in control. God’s plan is far better than anything that I could ever come up with. It is with confidence that I can rest assured God is working in and through this trial for my good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^[h] for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3: 20-21

By the way, that also includes evil things we experience for He is even sovereign over the evil that humans commit.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people^[b] should be kept alive, as they are today.

Genesis 50:20

This is why even though I may not fully understand why God sent me to OCS (and truly I may never fully understand), I can know that He did so for His glory in some way. However, I do feel like there’s at least one reason He sent me there. To remind me of my utter dependence on Him and to trust Him even when it looks like all is going wrong. Because our faith is set on Christ, our Rock, we have this unshakable hope that He has a plan that cannot be thwarted; that He will carry us through any storm, any trial.

²⁴ “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. ²⁶ And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. ²⁷ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Matthew 7: 24-27

And God has truly provided since I’ve returned. I already have an internship opportunity at a law firm working with one of our friends from church. As much as I want to be a judge advocate God may have a different plan for me and I am more than OK with that. That’s what keeps me going each day. As the author and perfecter of this faith that He’s given me (Hebrews 12:2), I can rest assured each day in His plan and declare with Christ, “not my will, but Your will be done.” (Luke 22:42)

God bless.

PS: Since they offered me the chance to go back to OCS, I ought to address that. At this point, it’s unlikely I will go back, and it’s not because OCS sucked so much and I hated it. I’m confident that I have the capability to make it through those 10 weeks, and if it’s the Lord’s will then it would happen. But practically speaking, it’s hard for me to commit another summer to them. For those who don’t know, summers for law students are precious. It’s during this time that we are able to network and gain experience which will hopefully lead to future employment after graduation and passing the bar. I knew going to OCS would likely take that opportunity but obviously if you make it through then you have a job guaranteed. The difficulty I find is that I could go back next summer and the same thing could happen or I could get hurt in another way. Again, I recognize the Lord is sovereign and if it was His will for me to be a JA then He would carry me through. But I’m trying to be aware of how that will affect Chelsey and our future family. I feel like I should focus more on gaining legal experience so that at least I can be prepared for after graduation. Also, this experience this summer really was an eye-opener as to what life will be like at times in the military. It was hard enough for me going through that training and missing Chelsey like crazy, but I would bet that it was even harder for Chelsey. And I’m not sure I want to put her through that every couple of years, or our future children for that matter. I want to be present and nurture my family. And I feel like the military can take that away. Please do not get me wrong. I have so much respect for those who serve and sacrifice in order to serve. I’m just not sure that’s something God is calling me to do. Ultimately, I have to make the choice that I think is best for me and my family, and we will continue to ask God for guidance. This does not mean JAG is completely out of the picture as I could still go to OCS even years after graduation if I want to, and of course there’s still the other branches. It just means right now, I’m open to other options and am looking to the Lord for direction. And with that said, I appreciate all the prayers you can offer!

My OCS Experience (Part 1)

Well, I hardly thought I would be sitting here at home writing a blog post at this time. I thought I would be sitting in my squad bay with my platoon or maybe conducting some drill outside in the humid Virginia heat. But alas, here I am at home just as I was before leaving for OCS. As most of you know, for the past 6 months I have been working everyday preparing myself for the rigors of Marine Corps OCS with the hope that maybe one day I could pin on that Eagle, Globe, and Anchor and become a Judge Advocate. But God had a different plan!

In this post I’ll try to give a quick rundown of what happened while I was there. In the next post, I’ll talk more about how I’m dealing with what happened, spiritually and personally.

 When I arrived at OCS, I felt more than ready for the challenges that lay ahead. I was in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in, in my life. I set a new personal record on the PFT during my first week there. Other candidates were dropping like flies all around me due to injuries and poor performance during daily PT sessions. But I felt pretty good overall. I was actually above average in my platoon as far as my overall scores go. Don’t get me wrong, these were the toughest 4 weeks I’ve ever experienced; physically, mentally, and spiritually, but I’ll get into more of that later. About the end of week 3, I got what we call “candidate crud”. Basically, it’s just a cold but everyone gets it so we’re all coughing up crud and doing snot rockets during PT so that we can breathe. It’s pretty nasty, but it’s all part of the experience I suppose. 

 

Around the end of week 4, I noticed some pain in my chest, but I waited to see how it would feel after the weekend since we had our first Liberty that weekend. Monday morning comes, and my lungs are really hurting when I’m breathing so now I’m starting to think that I probably want to get checked out by the corpsman (Navy doctor). I go see him that morning before our day starts (at 0315), and he says that I should probably get looked at, but since we had the combat fitness test (CFT) that day, he recommended that I wait until afterwards to get looked at. So I do the CFT, and I could just barely breathe the whole time. After finishing, one of the officers came by and grabbed me and took me to the corpsman. Apparently I wasn’t walking straight LOL. That’s when they diagnosed me with pneumonia, told me I had a lot of fluid in the lungs, and that I needed to rest. They gave me meds and put me on SIQ (sick in quarters) for two days where basically I just slept all day. And trust me I slept ALL day. Each morning (that’s 3:30am) I had to go to the medical clinic to be reevaluated to see if I was ready to return to training. For the next 3 days the doc kept me on light duty, which basically means I can walk around, but can’t do much else. On top of this, I started to notice that I was having a hard time putting weight on my left leg and that there was some pain on the bottom of my right foot. Oh and this had already been bugging me, but my Achilles' tendon on my left leg was also swollen so the doc also made me go over to the physical therapy section of the clinic to get those looked at. Sure enough, I had a strain in my gluteus medius, Achilles tendinitis, and metatarsalgia in the foot. So the PT doctor also put me on light duty, and had me do some stretches and icing on the affected parts. 

 

Now, one thing you have to know about these doctors; their goal is to get you in and out as fast as possible, which makes sense because you can really only miss about 5 days of training before they start talking about sending you home. I was on day 4 when the doctor told me that I was “good enough” regarding my pneumonia to go back to training. However, the PT doctor did not think I was ready due to these other injuries especially since there was a 6-mile hike aka a “hump” planned for that weekend. Oh and just a word on the “humps”. These are not like your everyday, relaxing hike. We’re talking about having 60-80 lbs on your back, and the pace is like a speed walk although now and then you’ll have to run because somebody ahead of you is falling behind. They’re doable, but man are they a butt-kicker. Anywho, the doc didn’t think my lower body would sustain me so I was light duty over the weekend as well. So now, I was looking at 6 days of missed training, and I started to sense that they would probably send me home. On Monday morning (week 5) I went to the clinic as I had been doing for the past week. And sure enough, the PT doc didn’t think I was fit to return to training. So I went back to the squad bay and informed my sergeant instructors. Not 20 minutes later, they were telling me to get all my stuff together because I was going home.

 

In the next blog, I’ll talk more about my personal feelings and what I’ve taken away since coming home.