My OCS Experience (Part 2)

In this post, I’ll focus on my takeaways during my time at OCS. As I mentioned in the last post, those 4-5 weeks I spent in Quantico were among the toughest physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’ve already touched on the physical aspect of it, but more than the physical was the mental and spiritual. It’s true when they say that OCS is really just a game. The sergeant instructors’ job is to break you down and then build you up. But they are REALLY good at breaking a person down. No matter how many YouTube videos you watch of them yelling at candidates, nothing can prepare you for when they’re directing it at you. Now, for the most part I didn’t have a problem when they’d get on my case because if you can remove yourself from the situation and remember that it’s not personal, it’s actually kind of funny. And there were more than a few times I had to hold in my laughter for fear of being targeted. At the same time, there were moments I failed to do that and internalized what they said.

 

Now to be honest, the toughest part for me was when I was put on light duty for that last week. Mentally, I started to question why I was there. Was I not tough enough? Did I not do enough before coming? Am I really cut out to be a Marine Officer? And so on and so forth. The sergeant instructors didn’t help either because they love to target candidates on light duty. They’d call us “weak bodies” and lazy and unfit to lead Marines. It was these moments where I’ll admit they broke me a little. 

Spiritually, I was especially challenged. Prior to OCS, I was pretty consistent in studying the Word each morning and spending time in prayer with the Lord. They don’t give you time for that at OCS so I was challenged to find that time to pray even if it was just for a minute. They did provide chapel services twice a week where we could escape the chaos and stress for an hour and hear the chaplain preach. I truly did relish these times because prior to a chapel service, I was usually so discouraged and frustrated from some failure or my sickness that to hear the Word preached was refreshment to my soul. Truly the Word of the Lord is more precious than gold and sweeter than honey (Psalm 19: 8-10). Don’t make me out to be some perfect Christian who kept the faith even in the toughest of times. Truthfully, and this is hard to admit, I was more faithless than faithful during that last week. Each day I questioned the Lord. Why did I get sick? Why did I get hurt? These were the exact things we prayed would NOT happen. Why then Lord are you allowing them to happen? Why am I not getting better? Why did you even send me here? It truly was one of the darkest times for me spiritually. There was bitterness and frustration; there was doubt that the Lord would provide and carry me through. And truthfully, it has not been easy since coming home. There are moments where I still question the Lord’s plan and providence as I feel like I should still be at OCS. I still imagine myself wearing the service Alphas on graduation day. But what I’m reminded of over and over again is that the Lord God is sovereign. There is nothing that escapes his ordination; there is nothing that catches Him by surprise for He is the one who ordains everything.

“Remember this and stand firm,
    recall it to mind, you transgressors,
⁹     remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me,
¹⁰ declaring the end from the beginning
    and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,

Isaiah 46: 8-10

This is why there is such peace as a Christian knowing that God has been and always will be in control. God’s plan is far better than anything that I could ever come up with. It is with confidence that I can rest assured God is working in and through this trial for my good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,^[h] for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3: 20-21

By the way, that also includes evil things we experience for He is even sovereign over the evil that humans commit.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people^[b] should be kept alive, as they are today.

Genesis 50:20

This is why even though I may not fully understand why God sent me to OCS (and truly I may never fully understand), I can know that He did so for His glory in some way. However, I do feel like there’s at least one reason He sent me there. To remind me of my utter dependence on Him and to trust Him even when it looks like all is going wrong. Because our faith is set on Christ, our Rock, we have this unshakable hope that He has a plan that cannot be thwarted; that He will carry us through any storm, any trial.

²⁴ “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. ²⁶ And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. ²⁷ And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Matthew 7: 24-27

And God has truly provided since I’ve returned. I already have an internship opportunity at a law firm working with one of our friends from church. As much as I want to be a judge advocate God may have a different plan for me and I am more than OK with that. That’s what keeps me going each day. As the author and perfecter of this faith that He’s given me (Hebrews 12:2), I can rest assured each day in His plan and declare with Christ, “not my will, but Your will be done.” (Luke 22:42)

God bless.

PS: Since they offered me the chance to go back to OCS, I ought to address that. At this point, it’s unlikely I will go back, and it’s not because OCS sucked so much and I hated it. I’m confident that I have the capability to make it through those 10 weeks, and if it’s the Lord’s will then it would happen. But practically speaking, it’s hard for me to commit another summer to them. For those who don’t know, summers for law students are precious. It’s during this time that we are able to network and gain experience which will hopefully lead to future employment after graduation and passing the bar. I knew going to OCS would likely take that opportunity but obviously if you make it through then you have a job guaranteed. The difficulty I find is that I could go back next summer and the same thing could happen or I could get hurt in another way. Again, I recognize the Lord is sovereign and if it was His will for me to be a JA then He would carry me through. But I’m trying to be aware of how that will affect Chelsey and our future family. I feel like I should focus more on gaining legal experience so that at least I can be prepared for after graduation. Also, this experience this summer really was an eye-opener as to what life will be like at times in the military. It was hard enough for me going through that training and missing Chelsey like crazy, but I would bet that it was even harder for Chelsey. And I’m not sure I want to put her through that every couple of years, or our future children for that matter. I want to be present and nurture my family. And I feel like the military can take that away. Please do not get me wrong. I have so much respect for those who serve and sacrifice in order to serve. I’m just not sure that’s something God is calling me to do. Ultimately, I have to make the choice that I think is best for me and my family, and we will continue to ask God for guidance. This does not mean JAG is completely out of the picture as I could still go to OCS even years after graduation if I want to, and of course there’s still the other branches. It just means right now, I’m open to other options and am looking to the Lord for direction. And with that said, I appreciate all the prayers you can offer!

My OCS Experience (Part 1)

Well, I hardly thought I would be sitting here at home writing a blog post at this time. I thought I would be sitting in my squad bay with my platoon or maybe conducting some drill outside in the humid Virginia heat. But alas, here I am at home just as I was before leaving for OCS. As most of you know, for the past 6 months I have been working everyday preparing myself for the rigors of Marine Corps OCS with the hope that maybe one day I could pin on that Eagle, Globe, and Anchor and become a Judge Advocate. But God had a different plan!

In this post I’ll try to give a quick rundown of what happened while I was there. In the next post, I’ll talk more about how I’m dealing with what happened, spiritually and personally.

 When I arrived at OCS, I felt more than ready for the challenges that lay ahead. I was in the best physical shape I’ve ever been in, in my life. I set a new personal record on the PFT during my first week there. Other candidates were dropping like flies all around me due to injuries and poor performance during daily PT sessions. But I felt pretty good overall. I was actually above average in my platoon as far as my overall scores go. Don’t get me wrong, these were the toughest 4 weeks I’ve ever experienced; physically, mentally, and spiritually, but I’ll get into more of that later. About the end of week 3, I got what we call “candidate crud”. Basically, it’s just a cold but everyone gets it so we’re all coughing up crud and doing snot rockets during PT so that we can breathe. It’s pretty nasty, but it’s all part of the experience I suppose. 

 

Around the end of week 4, I noticed some pain in my chest, but I waited to see how it would feel after the weekend since we had our first Liberty that weekend. Monday morning comes, and my lungs are really hurting when I’m breathing so now I’m starting to think that I probably want to get checked out by the corpsman (Navy doctor). I go see him that morning before our day starts (at 0315), and he says that I should probably get looked at, but since we had the combat fitness test (CFT) that day, he recommended that I wait until afterwards to get looked at. So I do the CFT, and I could just barely breathe the whole time. After finishing, one of the officers came by and grabbed me and took me to the corpsman. Apparently I wasn’t walking straight LOL. That’s when they diagnosed me with pneumonia, told me I had a lot of fluid in the lungs, and that I needed to rest. They gave me meds and put me on SIQ (sick in quarters) for two days where basically I just slept all day. And trust me I slept ALL day. Each morning (that’s 3:30am) I had to go to the medical clinic to be reevaluated to see if I was ready to return to training. For the next 3 days the doc kept me on light duty, which basically means I can walk around, but can’t do much else. On top of this, I started to notice that I was having a hard time putting weight on my left leg and that there was some pain on the bottom of my right foot. Oh and this had already been bugging me, but my Achilles' tendon on my left leg was also swollen so the doc also made me go over to the physical therapy section of the clinic to get those looked at. Sure enough, I had a strain in my gluteus medius, Achilles tendinitis, and metatarsalgia in the foot. So the PT doctor also put me on light duty, and had me do some stretches and icing on the affected parts. 

 

Now, one thing you have to know about these doctors; their goal is to get you in and out as fast as possible, which makes sense because you can really only miss about 5 days of training before they start talking about sending you home. I was on day 4 when the doctor told me that I was “good enough” regarding my pneumonia to go back to training. However, the PT doctor did not think I was ready due to these other injuries especially since there was a 6-mile hike aka a “hump” planned for that weekend. Oh and just a word on the “humps”. These are not like your everyday, relaxing hike. We’re talking about having 60-80 lbs on your back, and the pace is like a speed walk although now and then you’ll have to run because somebody ahead of you is falling behind. They’re doable, but man are they a butt-kicker. Anywho, the doc didn’t think my lower body would sustain me so I was light duty over the weekend as well. So now, I was looking at 6 days of missed training, and I started to sense that they would probably send me home. On Monday morning (week 5) I went to the clinic as I had been doing for the past week. And sure enough, the PT doc didn’t think I was fit to return to training. So I went back to the squad bay and informed my sergeant instructors. Not 20 minutes later, they were telling me to get all my stuff together because I was going home.

 

In the next blog, I’ll talk more about my personal feelings and what I’ve taken away since coming home.

Courage, Passion, Perseverence

With the close of March, I end my study of the famed abolitionist William Wilberforce. However, I almost feel as if I cheated him a bit. The first 3 months of 2015 were crazy busy from getting married, to making a decision on a law school, to finding a new place to live for my wife and I, and starting a new job. As such, I found it difficult to engage Wilberforce and his life as much as I had hoped to, but there is still much to glean from his life and example that I will attempt to sum up here. If I had to pick three qualities of Wilberforce that I admired most, I would choose his courage in the face of adversity and opposition, his passion for those less fortunate, and his patience/perseverance in the face of failure and discouragement.

First, his courage. It’s safe to say that Wilberforce was ahead of his time morally. Slavery had, at that point, been so widely accepted that people thought nothing of it. They didn’t consider the fact that Africans are just as human as anyone else, and experience all the same emotions, hopes, fears, etc. as every other human. Slavery was simply something that had always been. The fact that Wilberforce saw through this façade and realized that slavery is a gross crime against humanity is evidence of God’s grace. He was one of a very few voices who stood up against the slave trade, and as a result he received countless death threats and oppressive persecution. But he never faltered. He never backed down or eased up on his work, but instead he worked all the more for God’s glory.

Secondly, Wilberforce exuded a passion for the poor and downtrodden beyond any other I’ve known. He is of course, most well-known for his passion to end the slave trade, and he was extremely passionate for their cause. After abolition passed in Great Britain, Wilberforce and the abolitionists set their sights on complete emancipation of the African slaves. However, the French Revolution and subsequent war with France was simultaneously occurring making emancipation nearly impossible. The British were primarily concerned with ending the war with France. A peace treaty was established, but the French requested they abolish the trade within 5 years. When the English envoys returned from France, they were greeted in Parliament with applause and praise from all except one; Wilberforce. Regarding the peace treaty, Wilberforce stood up and declared, “I cannot but conceive that in my noble friend’s hands I behold the death-warrant of a multitude of innocent victims, men women, and children… When I consider the miseries we are about to renew, is it possible to regard them without the deepest emotions of sorrow?” When Wilberforce sat down, he was on the verge of weeping. Wilberforce’s passion for the slaves stemmed from his recognition that they were his fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and his love for them shone bright in the midst of the darkness and hatred. Much less known to people, Wilberforce’s second passion was to reform “manners”. He was cognizant of the depravity of man, and devoted work to numerous causes such as: the Society for the Suppression of Vice, British missionary work in India, the creation of a free colony in Sierra Leone, the foundation of the Church Mission Society, and the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. It’s difficult to fathom the outreach and influence Wilberforce had in so many areas of social justice.

 

Lastly, Wilberforce exhibited true patience in the face of failure and disappointment. When so many times, he had come so close to abolition, he finally achieved the goal after 20 years of fighting. He presented bills every year without fail despite the discouragement he received from others. Furthermore, God blessed Wilberforce to be able to witness the complete emancipation of British slaves in 1833 just one day before his death. And all the while, he never lost hope or faith in God Almighty. He certainly struggled with frustration, but never did he give up. It is this kind of patience that only comes from knowing God, and trusting that His plan will always succeed. It is a patience and perseverance I hope and pray God develops in me that I may serve him as faithfully as Wilberforce did.

            It’s funny… as I was reading the epilogue of the book, Metaxas expresses a strange feeling one gets when one reads biographies. While spending many hours reading about the individual, it’s almost as if he came to life again and we became close friends. And despite the fact that I knew Wilberforce’s inevitable death, I still mourned while reading it. It was almost as if I had hoped or expected that he would still be alive even though I know that’s ridiculous. However, I am yet encouraged by the truth that this was not his final home. I am encouraged as Wilberforce once was when, on the deathbed of one of his closest friends, he reminded himself, “Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here. He is risen.”

Fleeting Pleasures

C.S. Lewis famously coined the term “chronological snobbery” which expresses the belief that ancient ideas (or in this case religion) such as Christianity have no relevance in our 21^st century culture. Since society has grown and advanced and is more knowledgeable about science, technology, etc., ancient Christianity in particular must be out-of-date and foolish to believe because we are clearly smarter than the apostles and prophets who wrote the books of the Bible. This is very much a prominent view in today’s society as America has become more and more de-Christianized despite the fact that many of our values and beliefs as a country were once grounded in ancient Christianity.

            I bring this up because I think it’s easy for us to believe we are so much better than our predecessors; that we have come so far. This is surely true in some cases, but as I’ve been reading about William Wilberforce’s early childhood and adolescent years, I am struck by how similar his world is to our own. First of all, Wilberforce grew in a fairly wealthy culture; his parents were rich as well as his aunt and uncle by whom he was raised due to the death of his eldest sister and father when he was 8.  In that culture it was highly valued to “live in the moment” and enjoy the pleasures of life. It was looked down on to seriously think about life and its meaning or to delve too deeply into introspection. Metaxas paints a clear picture of the accepted religious practice of the time: “One attended one’s church, and one stood and one kneeled and one sat at the proper times and did what was required of one, but to scratch beneath this highly lacquered surface was to venture well beyond the pale in that society and invite stares and whispers and certain banishment.” This is not exactly the same today as spirituality is valued and it is encouraged to “find one’s self”. However, as a Christian, it seems we are looked down upon if we believe the Bible to be inerrant and if we strive to follow it to the tee. We can be seen as ignorant, closed-minded, and bigoted. We have been called “Bible-thumpers” and “Jesus Freaks”. Wilberforce’s aunt and uncle would have been considered these types of people, however, he grew to love the faith they raised him in. His mother, on the other hand, was not excited once she found out how they were raising young Wilberforce, and he was removed from there immediately. Over the years, Wilberforce lost interest in his faith especially once he entered college.

            Additionally, pursuing and seeking the pleasures of life is prevalent in today’s culture. We live in an age where you “do-what-makes-you-feel-good” or to put it more succinctly, “YOLO”. This seems to be especially true in college where experiencing all kinds of different things is encouraged, and there’s really no limit on what you can do. It was quite similar for Wilberforce who, at the age of 17 began attending Cambridge University. He describes his first day as such, “I was introduced, on the very first night of my arrival to as licentious a set of men as can well be conceived. They drank hard, and their conversation was even worse than their lives.” Wilberforce was well-known as an entertaining guy; he was funny, witty, a great singer and dancer, and loved to party well into the night. He studied when he needed to and passed his classes. It’s eerie how similar his experience was to mine in college considering I attended more than 200 years after him.

            Wilberforce continued this lifestyle when he joined Parliament at the age of 21. He rose in the ranks and was a valued member in 5 clubs in London. This may not sound like a big deal to us, but back then to be a member of any club was huge; to be a member of 5 was astonishing. Now welcomed to the upper echelon of society, Wilberforce drank it all in, partying and dancing well into the wee hours of the morning. This was a nightly occurrence. His career in Parliament was his life, and his reputation exploded after he won the county seat for York, one of London’s most prominent neighborhoods; a feat that was deemed impossible especially at the age of 24. His best friend, William Pitt, was the Prime Minister. He was literally at the height of his career; ambition and pride abounded. However, as time went by, Wilberforce began questioning, “Is this all there is?” Is this life’s true purpose? He began feeling empty.

            I had the same questions as I was indulging in all life had to offer. Is this really it? It was as if there was a hole in my life that I was trying to fill with all kinds of earthly things, but they just couldn’t fill it. As Wilberforce soon discovered, and as I myself discovered, there is only one thing that can fill that hole, and that is Christ. We are created in God’s own image (Gen. 1:26), precious in His sight. We were created for so much more than pursuing earthly passions, and seeking pleasure wherever we can find it, no matter how fleeting it is. Now I’m not saying earthly things are bad. God actually said everything He created was good and very good. We make the mistake of elevating these good things above Him, thus creating idols that control us and leave us wanting more. A man who lived 200 years before me, experienced the same struggles I dealt with and am still dealing with. However, our hope is in Christ who is never-changing and is the only true satisfaction to be found in this world. And what a miracle He seeks and saves us.

            So it appears I have a lot in common with a dude who lived two centuries ago. It would be arrogant to think I know better than he does when humans have struggled with the same sins since the beginning. I’m only scraping the surface of Wilberforce’s life and am eager to share how God uses Him for His glory.

 “If pleasure is our aim, then we’ll find it when our God is who our target is” – Jackie Hill Perry

Here We Go...

It's interesting how writing has seemed to always be a part of my life yet somehow I've never made a habit of doing it. My mother is an author (a successful one at that!), and I have always been skilled in English classes throughout high school and college. My soon-to-be-wife is also a blogger and an excellent writer. But the habit of writing has never come natural to me. I also don't usually do New Year's resolutions since I fail more often than not. However, over the last few days I've been reflecting more and more on what God's done this year, and what He has in store for the next. He gave me an idea, a desire to do something new. Here's how it all came together.

A few months ago I was introduced to The Art of Manliness, which is a blog all about - as you could guess - manliness. The topics range in diversity from a man's life, dress and grooming, health and sports, money and career, and family and relationships. Since then I've become intrigued by the idea of manliness especially  because I'm about to be married and starting my own life with my beautiful bride. Additionally, I started reading 7 Men by Eric Metaxas, which gives brief biographies of 7 different men who lived extraordinary lives. Metaxas speaks as to how these men were successful, and what was unique about their lives. The overarching theme is that these men lived sacrificially - they used their God-given gifts and talents for the benefit of others. Metaxas also speaks about the need for men to have role models to look to and emulate, which is lacking in our day and age.

We live in a world where authority is questioned; where we establish our own authority and as a result we look up to whomever we want. In my own experience, I grew up loving hip-hop music, and I looked up to "men" in the rap game. My role models were guys like Eminem, 2pac, and The Notorious B.I.G. A quick Google search of these guys and their lyrics will reveal that they are not the type of men young boys should be looking to model. They promote a self-absorbed, do-what-you-want, whatever-makes-you-feel-good type of life. I did this for a while and found that it was completely empty, devoid of joy and love and happiness. I was not satisfied. As God has moved in my life, I have found my soul-satisfaction in Him, and I want to emulate the life Jesus lived because He is the man's man!

And so as I enter 2015, it is my resolution to study manhood. Not the manhood that our society promotes, but a biblical idea of manhood. Jesus is of course the ultimate example of what it is to be a man. He was wise, tenderhearted, kind, loving, loyal, firm, and strong - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Most of all, He lived His life for God and His Kingdom. There are numerous men in history who sought the same thing, whom God used for His greater purpose. And I strongly desire the same in my life. That doesn't mean I have to go down in history for my life to matter, but that in my life I use the gifts and talents God gave me to give Him glory, and be a light to others.

In sum, I am going to read and study the lives of four men this year. I am going to study their lifestyles and values in the hopes of learning how I can be a better man. For my wife, future family, and friends around me. During the process I will share my thoughts and what I'm learning here on this blog, and for those reading this, extend grace to me as this is my first blog ever! I will be studying Dietrich Bonhoeffer, William Wilberforce, C.S. Lewis, and either Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln (maybe both!). As humans, we are made in God's image, and it is my hope that I will reflect that more and more as He grows me, and that this could maybe be a blessing for others. Thanks for reading, and I hope you have a blessed new year.